The holiday season is often filled with warmth and celebration, but for those navigating grief, loss, or past trauma, it can bring unique emotional challenges. In this thoughtful piece, Tanya Winje, AMFT, offers compassionate insights and practical guidance to help individuals and families find peace, honor their feelings, and approach the season with grace and empathy.
The twinkling lights and cheerful music of the holiday season are here. For those who are grieving, venturing out into the world this time of year can trigger painful reminders of what’s missing—whether that’s a person, a period in our lives, or simply “the way things used to be.” The holiday season amplifies feelings of loss in unique ways. Whether we face an empty chair at the table, separation from family, or significant life changes, our discomfort can be overwhelming and leave us feeling profoundly disconnected.
The Weight of the First (and Second) Holiday Without a Loved One
This time of year is particularly challenging for those experiencing their first holiday without a loved one (and sometimes the second year can be even harder, as it seems like life has moved on without us). The challenges extend to those separated by distance, estrangement, and the dissolution of various relationships. For those with traumatic pasts, the holidays can be especially difficult to navigate. Painful memories can fester and lead to negative coping behaviors that exacerbate our heartbreak—isolation, self-medicating, and displays of anger that can be self-harming or push others away.
How Grief Affects Children During the Holidays
Children are not immune to experiencing intense emotions during this season. While we wish all children could experience the “magic” unencumbered by hurt and painful experiences, for those who are grieving due to loss, traumatic memories, or emotional challenges, feelings of loss might shine brighter than Rudolph’s nose.
Children process grief differently than adults, and the holiday season can bring complex emotions they struggle to express. Young children may lack the words to describe their feelings or feel confused about experiencing joy while missing someone. They might wrestle with guilt about having fun during a time of sadness or face anxiety about disrupted routines and traditions. Many worry about their siblings and relatives, and those who have lost a parent often carry deep concern for the surviving parent.
Signs a Child Might Be Struggling with Grief
These emotional challenges can manifest in various ways. Children might develop difficulties with food (either hoarding or refusing to eat), spend increased time isolated in their rooms, or experience emotional outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere. They need safe spaces to calm their bodies and minds, including permission to step away when feeling overstimulated or triggered. Creating exit strategies before attending events or activities can help reduce the seasonal pressure to “get along” and “be good.”
How to Support Children During the Holidays
Supporting children requires anticipating potential triggers. Certain food smells, sounds, movie themes, or particular environments can activate painful memories. Adults can help by thinking through potentially problematic situations and discussing plans or schedules in advance, offering alternatives when needed. Remember: it’s okay to participate in activities at our own comfort level.
A helpful reminder stands true: “You Never Know What Someone Is Going Through, So Be Kind.” When we ignore the grace this statement offers, we risk unnecessarily pressuring others and potentially damaging our own experience as well. Give permission to “sit out” rather than forcing participation that might lead to power struggles. Honoring boundaries preserves relationships and helps avoid ruptures that can escalate into emotional cold wars or explosive confrontations.
Practical Tips for Navigating the Holiday Season with Grace
To help ourselves and others during this time that can feel performative and pressured, consider the following guidance:
Honor Your Feelings
Give yourself and others permission to feel whatever emotions surface without judgment. Leave behind the critic in your head that says things like, “It’s been X months, you should move on.” Replace these critical thoughts with more compassionate approaches: “Pretending to be happy won’t help me heal” or “Grief is an expression of love, not weakness.”
Adjust Traditions with Flexibility
Be open to modifying schedules, traditions, and expectations for yourself and others. Keep what feels comfortable and let go of what doesn’t—and remember, letting go is okay! Consider creating new traditions that thoughtfully address your needs and the needs of those around you.
Create Space for Remembrance
Find meaningful ways to honor your feelings of grief and loss. Consider ways to commemorate change, loss, or a special person: light a candle, cook a favorite holiday dish, create a memory box, or share cherished memories.
Listen Without Fixing
Resist the urge to “fix” others’ pain—remember, you can’t fix it, but you can help others feel seen and heard. Being present is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer, as advice or solutions can feel dismissive of someone’s struggles. Listen deeply, letting others know their voice, feelings, and thoughts matter. Create a judgment-free space without comparing experiences. Your ability to model gentle, kind, and compassionate listening creates safety for children and demonstrates the true meaning of empathy—exactly what this season is about.
Set Boundaries with Care
Here’s your permission to decline invitations when needed. Everyone needs space and time to process emotions. It’s okay to:
- Leave gatherings early if you feel overwhelmed
- Take breaks from holiday activities
- Spend an extra moment in the bathroom or outside to gather yourself
- Remember to breathe and ground yourself
- Say “no” to expectations or plans that feel too heavy
The holidays often become a marathon of events: shopping at multiple stores, preparing food, decorating, attending various gatherings, wrapping gifts, baking, participating in spiritual activities, navigating work parties, children’s celebrations, and managing once-a-year visits with family and friends. All of this can be emotionally and physically taxing. Where is the time to rest and truly experience the magic of the season?
Learn to say “no” when you need to. Slow down and create safe emotional spaces for yourself, your family, and those you care about. Being honest about your emotions, needs, and limits—and expressing these in a way that demonstrates self-love and self-compassion—is essential self-care.
Closing Reflection: Embracing Compassion for Ourselves and Others
Grief is a reflection of love. It can exist alongside joy, like parallel streams flowing through our lives. This holiday season, practice deep self-compassion as you care for yourself and others. Whether you’re facing an empty chair, managing complex family dynamics, or supporting a loved one through loss, remember that you’re not alone in this experience of struggle.
The holidays don’t need to be perfect to be meaningful, and whatever thoughts and feelings you experience are valid. Be gentle with yourself and others—we’re all going through something, even if it’s not visible on the surface. In the quiet moments between the season’s events, remember that it’s okay for the magic to be on mute sometimes. What matters most is honoring your journey with authenticity and grace.
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